As it begins I become more like a golem, reduced from my human form to that of an incomplete state, somewhere lost in the void of physical limbo. Golems are not on the level of man and woman. They are not animals. A golem is simply an uncultivated entity, slow, stupid and ultimately, a failure. Just as it is written - 'in many depictions golems are inherently perfectly obedient. However, in its earliest known modern form the story has Rabbi Eliyahu of Chełm creating a golem that became enormous and uncooperative. In one version of this the rabbi had to resort to trickery to deactivate it, whereupon it crumbled upon its creator and crushed him.' I feel like that golem. That giant stoned golem trapped in a miserable clay body. I find myself sucked into a cycle of actions that I no longer want to be a part of, which is an issue that may result in ignorant hostility. Today I had a stone face on all day. I didn't want to be there, here, anywhere. I didn't want to be.

I'm afraid that as each piece of my solid rock formation chips off and shatters on the pavement, I'm losing a part of my being. Those moment of completion that always seemed so close to my reach are snapping off and disintigrating. It is the most disappointing feeling in the world. I have never, until now, felt so much that I won't ever be able to forge my own path or achieve my own goals in this life. I'm losing the motivation and the esteem to move forward, and more and more do I feel solidified into this place, this position, where I can't change anything. I feel like how alchemical homunculus sounds.